Vacuums: Creations of the Devil

I have an unreasonable fear that every vacuum I have ever used doesn't really work.

I have always kind of imagined that after sucking up the debris and garbage, the evil vacuum cackles maniacally to itself and spews the garbage back out when I'm not looking, but in a more spread-out way so that I don't notice until I think I've finished vacuuming and then I have to go back and do it again. And if I don't go back and re-vacuum it, I'm afraid that it will accumulate quickly and I will have to vacuum all over again in a very short amount of time.

Basically, vacuums are evil.

We have a little vacuum with a supersuction arm that is more handheld, which we use for our stairs. I've named him Satan. Here, I'll draw you a picture of it and how I'm pretty sure it works:

Or maybe that's not how vacuums work at all. I don't know.

The problem is that I imagine everything I suck up goes flying out the butt immediately after I suck it up.

Fetii?

So, every time I vacuum I'm constantly staring at Satan's butt hoping that he doesn't poop out the flies that I'm currently trying to clean off of the stairs. When I approached my Kim about it, she confessed similar fears but they weren't quite as drastic as mine. She assured me there was a filter, but I still had to stare at the butt just in case.

So, that's why I spent my morning staring at Satan's Butt.


Does my lack of artistic ability make me look hipster?